Establishing Appropriate Boundaries
You and your child(ren)s other parent constantly argue. You wish it wasn’t this way, but you don’t know how to stop the cycle at this point. You’re hurt, they’re hurt. How can you put a stop to it…or at least stop yourself?
Change your focus: Are you responding to your coparent about things specifically related to the health, safety, and well-being of your child(ren)? Or are you responding about anything and everything, like past slights, current slights, relationship issues, etc? Ask yourself: Does this physically affect my child enough to bring it up? Does this need to be coordinated? Should I inform my coparent of this information, regarding our child?
A. If the answer is yes. Take some minutes to think about how you can best “frame” this. The best practice is to think about the factual information: Who, what where, when, how long, and why. For example: “Jane need to get her vaccinations at the doctors office on Pleasant Valley Rd, at 5:00PM, they said it should take about 30 minutes, because she has to have them to attend school.”
B. If the answer is no. Do not speak it. Do not speak it to your coparent or your child. For example: You’ve texted your coparent five times about the fact that they are letting the children stay up until 9:00 PM when you believe that they should only stay up until 8:30 PM. You go to exchange and are upset about the lack of response to your messaging. Does this truly physically effect your child or is this just your belief and preference? More than likely, unless your child has some sort of physical or behavioral health condition, this is simply your preference. It is not necessary to have an argument about the bedtime, nevertheless the lack of response to messaging. Is this about your child or about your preference?
Change your angle: So you are communicating information pertinent to your child. Should you take the tact of: “I need to talk to you about your not doing…” or would you be better served to communicate the information as “Hey do you have a moment to discuss with me that we need to come to an agreement on…” and allow the other party to determine if they have the time and ability, in that moment, to discuss what you’re bringing up. If they say that now is not the appropriate time, then ask them when they may be able to set aside a few minutes to have the discussion. If they do not wish to discuss the matter, then let them know that you will assume that they are then agreeable with your planned course of action, and move forward.
Change your tone and verbiage: take a deep breath. Now, speak to your coparent as if they are your business partner or coworker. Establish the long term health of the new relationship up front. Things have changed and the way you speak with one another should too. Even if you both communicate well currently, you should still heighten the communication from the intimate to the platonic, keeping it cordial, kind, and patient. This may be difficult, but you can only control you, you cannot control what others do.
Lastly, when you communicate to your coparents, speak to them and have expectations of them in the same way that you would want them to speak to or have expectations of you.
In Peace,
J.